Monday, March 30, 2015

Life as a working human

I've graduated college recently on i think it was on August 2014. After graduation i didn't really know or think about what i should do? Because i have never really sure with the major i took (i took 3D Animation by the way) and wether i like it or not? For a long term? Sure i can do it but i dont know, anyway, as i was saying i didnt know what i should do. My friends have even aplied to some studios before graduation, and i'm just there not knowing what to do. Well then i went and look for studios in Singapore and sent them my resume and demoreel (you can go take a look at vimeo) but none of them seems to have a place for me. Actually i had one interview with a studio, they told me to do the test and i completely blew it haha.
So yeah after that i'm just going with the flow day by day untill suddenly someone from mu current workplace came to my college to recruit some people and while i was there i figured i should go and show my demoreel and guess what? Here i am, almost 6 months working in Jakarta.

Working is hard. Well it's not that hard actually but it's quite challenging because you have to stick to a certain schedule and i'm easily bored. You see, i dont feel like i'm talented enough in this whole 3D animation thing. I admit i might be a bit slow on technical things like computer and its programs. And it made me feel, sortof inferior. 

It might sound like i always complain about things, but i don't see myself doing this sortof thing in the future and frankly, i've never been sure too. Have you ever feel this way? Like you don't have a purpose in life and the only thing you can do is depend on time. Well i've been thinking about this lately, like... If we always depend on time, then wouldn't it feel like you've wasted your whole life, just waiting to be dead? I mean, it's like when we always look forward to the end of the day, and when we always look forward to the weekends or if you're working, you'll always look forward to payday. It's like we dont enjoy being alive also we don't live in the moment anymore. I'm starting to feel the evil of the world and took things for granted. 

I guess, it'll be nice if i take this very moment to let us think of all the things in life to be thankful of. We have all this life to spend, so might as well spend it wisely and dont forget to use the most of it!

I hope this post makes sense and understandable anyway, cause i dont usualy re-read the things i write :P

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Been obsessed with bears

Are there miniature bears where the bear cubs could never grow big?


They're the cutest

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Body Issues

I dont feel comfortable in my body, i never have.

It's crazy how people nowadays are always judging people by the size of their body. To be honest i'm always a victim of this. I'm really tired of hearing, also assuming that i'm not small enough to be pretty and beautiful to fit the standards of women in this era. I'm always comparing myself to other girls, and i always wish i look like that.

There were times when i thought that i have an issue with eating as well as my psicology where i'm always concerned and depressed about my body. In a world where we have to always please others, it's almost impossible to live for the sake of our own happiness. 
Once when i was still around 11/12 in junior high school, a friend said to me that i was fat, and at that time, never have thought that the word "fat" will be labelled to me. That incident made me feel uneasy about myself being fat. I was never a fat kid, infact i was fairly thin, but the person who said i was fat was skinnier than me.  Since then i have always felt insecure and uncomfortable with my body. 
On 8th to 10th grade, i was probably going on a growth sprout and i was gainning weight and i didnt even feel like i was fat, and i kept eating. Infact, i binge eat. My family and relatives are starting to tell me that i'm looking chubbier day by day, i didn't care. My clothes were starting to not fit, i was an S and then i was an M to L. This makes me dislike wearing tight clothing, because it makes me feel horrible when the fabric touches my skin. My heaviest weight was around 60-61 kgs and it was when i was in 10th grade. 
I was depressed. I had terrible moodswings, and i cried almost everynight thinking how can i loose this weight and look like my old self again. I'm afraid of going to the gym, i'm very shy and the gym doesnt sound like a good idea to me. I was very sensitive when it comes to my body, esspecialy when people start making fun on my big sillhouette. To make things worse, at that time most of the boys were smaller than me in size. 
The thing i'm most insecure about was my legs. I have this huge pair of calves and that makes me look even thicker and i completely despise them. I was so afraid of being called fat, it became the first thing i think about when i meet new people

Thank goodness i was never obese or something. At 11th grade i started to throw up whenever i'm done eating. I became very weak and i barely had the joy and spirit for school. Long story short, at 12th grade i almost got over it. I started to watch what i'm eating, and i count the calories. I almost stop throwing up and instead i starve myself and i ate very little. I focus on gradiation which i have to look my best. I lost around 6-4kgs in around 3-4 months, well i've lost 2 kgs i dont know how but i just did so when i started watching what i ate i was around 54kgs. I  was obsessed with the scale so i weigh myself everyday, and to be honest watching the numbers went down by around 0.5 a week was satisfying. On the day of my graduation i was 50.9 kgs. I was proud, very proud infact but guess what? I still feel fat. I'm 165 in height and weighing 50.9 is almost, very ideal. But atleast for once in my life, i feel comfortable. 
Once i read about where, people always tell you to not lose anymore weight when you have lost so much, but they never tell you to lose weight when you need to loose some. And it was true, it's almost like people dont want you to appear better then them. 

I saw alot of scenarios where someone was eating/ posted a photo of food perhaps and then theres always someone who will comment or maybe, "warning" that they will get fat if they keep eating. You know what? It's not your problem, and never will. Commenting about someones body, i feel like is very inappropriate, somehow very ignorant, and almost disrespectful. 

Right now, i'm back to my, i guess normal weight. I weigh 56-57kgs and dont weigh myself as often as i used to be. To be honest i'm scared of the numbers and stepping on the scale, AND confess about things like this to people. But now i done it anyway. I eat what i want, whenever i want and well, i'm willing to lose some more again. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

One random post comin your way!

Hello, it's currently 9.30 PM, March 2015 
I am in my pajamas and i just decided to start blogging again (i know i said that all the time), just like that. 

I figured since i am always stuck with a phone in my hands and a wile lot of very random thoughts sometimes, i might as well just write and let it get out there instead of pilling junk notes on my phone!

So heres a note i've written recently about all the haters out there. 
Is it just me or people nowadays are beginning to be so full of themselves and once a person critisize them in a way that they don't necessarily like (i admit sometimes can be a little hurtful), it's like they assume that people are jealous of them. Me personally don't believe that hating is being jealous. 

I admit I have never encountered something like extreme bullying where i get judged everyday or even having a hater. 
Either i'm very lucky or completely ignorant. 

When i feel like somebody dislikes me, i like to think that it all just happens in my head and in most cases, the suspects don't even give a crap out of my life. 

In my oppinion, a lot of times people don't hate, we are the ones that often think that. Either by critiques or what nots, it's their way of stating their oppinions to you and you should be thankful that there are prople that atleast pay attention to you and your life. 

Obviously there are alot of comments where people are bashing others and just simply say the most innapropriate things. Well you know what? Forget about it, and mind your own bussiness. 

If you dont have nice things to say, you don't have to say a thing. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Valentines Day 2013

This Valentines day a classmate of mine sugested that we wear pink (hence the event)

Shirt - f21
Sweater - H&M

(Look at that met card it was right there and now it's gone. My third card)

I came to school with a flower on my desk

And i just wanted to say thank you to whoever's sweet enough to do this (tho i'm pretty much sure who) , i appreciate it so much :)

We also exchanged gifts in class, this was so much of a last minute idea
And all that i got (that was interensting and 'on-budget' enough) was a pack of hello kitty shaped macaroni

I had nothing to wrap my gift with so this was what i came up with

Hey it looks like a hello kitty bow so don't laugh!!

Also got this sortof 'virtual' greeting card from le friend awwww 
I guess this years valentine was kinda hello kitty themed

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Burgers and Cronuts

Had an impromtu meeting with le friend the other day!

Top - f21
Jeans - f21 (low quality denim, no wonder it's so cheap)

Necklace - H&M

I'm a little bit bummed with the necklace tho, because of the stiff-curve it has

We tried &made burgers by Bruno Menard this time! (Did i spell the name correctly?

I had the chicken, which has the satay sauce in it WHICH was the only reason i ordered it hahaha
Le friend ordered the b burger, and we end up splitting our burgers into halves anyway

It was okay i guess? Or is it just because i rarely eat burgers so i can't quite define what quality burgers taste like? Hahaha

After having our meal, we went straight to Brunetti because i was really curious with their cronuts

And their cronuts was amazebalsssss
Better than gastronomia

I like the icing best hahaha oh the uber sweet tooth in me

Anyway, i'm really liking this lipstick on me

Wearing Candy Yum Yum by mac
What do you think?

Friday, February 7, 2014

Give me warmth?

It's friday today, you know what that means?!

Tshirt - H&M
Denim jacket - editors market
Waxed denim - Cotton on
Flats - Rubi

We must survive the coldness of our classroom
Eventhough i must say Singapore is getting really hot lately

But i'm so happy i finally discovered an app called Redmart, that enables me to do my groceries through it!

I don't have to carry 4 bottles of water every two days from the supermarket to my place again, hurray!