Monday, April 13, 2015

Revamping the wardrobe

So recently i just moved to another apartment because of some reasons. Well it's not a different apartment, its just different towers. And i've just been wondering that my clothes are well, boring, i'm bored. I'm so bored with my clothes, my style, what is my style exactly tho. 
I've been thinking of finding a new style, revamping my wardrobe and start with the basics only. I've worked on it for a while, and almost accomplished it. I kept saying to myself that i just have to buy something that are comfortable, and that i really love it (aside from the basic stuff). I wanted to start 'collecting' statement tops and outerwears or even shoes but not something that i wont enjoy or rather, wear, in the future because i just want to wear a top and bottom and instantly look good. I also am thinking about just collecting cute dresses and wear them on a daily basis haha. 

I notice that i dont enjoy seeing too much color on my wardrobe. Probably pastels, and some fun dresses. My outfits are basically a white top, black bottom and a matching outer, now that i thought about them. I dont experiment much with my fashion choises anymore nowadays, not sure that it's about how i feel with my body or i just wanted to start looking more mature. 

That's all just a thought of mine. What about you guys?

By  the way, i finally busted my jeans on the knee. Ha!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Social media

Lately i've been really fed up or just simply feeling rather.......hmm i dont know like i dont want to use that much social media anymore. I feel like i've been exposeing too much about my life and my family, and i've been deleting photos from my past blogposts that includes my families or i just feel like it's unecessary. 

I feel like social medias are a media for human egos. I mean, it makes me feel like i need to please people and it almost becomes a good and necessary thing that people like and recognize us. 

I do like it when people asks for my help like when people ask me what looks good or what product works or what nots, i like giving people information i know about, but with this many social medias, more lifes are begining to show publicly, people are sharing more information that all of them are very much the same, but only different people. In other words, people are selling personalities. 

I'm starting to feel like it's almost.....vain
What do you think?

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I want some cookies

I've been lacking ootd photos lately, i wanted to start posting again but thing is i dont have a decemt setting in my apartment currently. I can try posting outfits where i shot it from you know, up angle, but i dont find it......'impressive'

I really miss ther feeling of people liking my outfits, that makes me feel kinda appriciated LOL. I will be going out of town this weekend so maybe i can get a couple pf shots? I hope so, eventho i dont really have any plan on wearing something 'ootd-worthy' :P

Anyway, i've been lusting over topshop jeans because they are just a DREAM to wear, man they are comfortable as hell, but they sure are expensive. 
And i'm starting to (really? Starting to? This trend has been around for a pretty long time, aileen) feel interested in these kind of jeans where they rip on the knees. Tell me what you think, are they worth it? You know i can rip my own jeans

I dont know, i'm not that interested in it the first time it shows up because well, it's a trend and trends wont be around forever. But now, i wanted it. It just look so effortlessly edgy.  

By the way! Happy April Fools! 
I opened facebook a minute ago and i saw a post saying the our current president will officialy be resigned. To be honest it got me at first but then i opened  the link and it says happy april fools, dammit. 
Now i'm craving some ooey gooey cookies. They dont sell those here in Jakarta (i'm now staying at Jakarta, news flash) unlike Singapore who has recently opened Ben's Cookies *crying teras of blood*
So as a second option, i went looking for pepperidge fams soft baked cookies downstairs and they were not there. They were usualy there. They sell them. But when i finally want some, they're gone. Gone. My love

Monday, March 30, 2015

Life as a working human

I've graduated college recently on i think it was on August 2014. After graduation i didn't really know or think about what i should do? Because i have never really sure with the major i took (i took 3D Animation by the way) and wether i like it or not? For a long term? Sure i can do it but i dont know, anyway, as i was saying i didnt know what i should do. My friends have even aplied to some studios before graduation, and i'm just there not knowing what to do. Well then i went and look for studios in Singapore and sent them my resume and demoreel (you can go take a look at vimeo) but none of them seems to have a place for me. Actually i had one interview with a studio, they told me to do the test and i completely blew it haha.
So yeah after that i'm just going with the flow day by day untill suddenly someone from mu current workplace came to my college to recruit some people and while i was there i figured i should go and show my demoreel and guess what? Here i am, almost 6 months working in Jakarta.

Working is hard. Well it's not that hard actually but it's quite challenging because you have to stick to a certain schedule and i'm easily bored. You see, i dont feel like i'm talented enough in this whole 3D animation thing. I admit i might be a bit slow on technical things like computer and its programs. And it made me feel, sortof inferior. 

It might sound like i always complain about things, but i don't see myself doing this sortof thing in the future and frankly, i've never been sure too. Have you ever feel this way? Like you don't have a purpose in life and the only thing you can do is depend on time. Well i've been thinking about this lately, like... If we always depend on time, then wouldn't it feel like you've wasted your whole life, just waiting to be dead? I mean, it's like when we always look forward to the end of the day, and when we always look forward to the weekends or if you're working, you'll always look forward to payday. It's like we dont enjoy being alive also we don't live in the moment anymore. I'm starting to feel the evil of the world and took things for granted. 

I guess, it'll be nice if i take this very moment to let us think of all the things in life to be thankful of. We have all this life to spend, so might as well spend it wisely and dont forget to use the most of it!

I hope this post makes sense and understandable anyway, cause i dont usualy re-read the things i write :P

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Been obsessed with bears

Are there miniature bears where the bear cubs could never grow big?


They're the cutest

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Body Issues

I dont feel comfortable in my body, i never have.

It's crazy how people nowadays are always judging people by the size of their body. To be honest i'm always a victim of this. I'm really tired of hearing, also assuming that i'm not small enough to be pretty and beautiful to fit the standards of women in this era. I'm always comparing myself to other girls, and i always wish i look like that.

There were times when i thought that i have an issue with eating as well as my psicology where i'm always concerned and depressed about my body. In a world where we have to always please others, it's almost impossible to live for the sake of our own happiness. 
Once when i was still around 11/12 in junior high school, a friend said to me that i was fat, and at that time, never have thought that the word "fat" will be labelled to me. That incident made me feel uneasy about myself being fat. I was never a fat kid, infact i was fairly thin, but the person who said i was fat was skinnier than me.  Since then i have always felt insecure and uncomfortable with my body. 
On 8th to 10th grade, i was probably going on a growth sprout and i was gainning weight and i didnt even feel like i was fat, and i kept eating. Infact, i binge eat. My family and relatives are starting to tell me that i'm looking chubbier day by day, i didn't care. My clothes were starting to not fit, i was an S and then i was an M to L. This makes me dislike wearing tight clothing, because it makes me feel horrible when the fabric touches my skin. My heaviest weight was around 60-61 kgs and it was when i was in 10th grade. 
I was depressed. I had terrible moodswings, and i cried almost everynight thinking how can i loose this weight and look like my old self again. I'm afraid of going to the gym, i'm very shy and the gym doesnt sound like a good idea to me. I was very sensitive when it comes to my body, esspecialy when people start making fun on my big sillhouette. To make things worse, at that time most of the boys were smaller than me in size. 
The thing i'm most insecure about was my legs. I have this huge pair of calves and that makes me look even thicker and i completely despise them. I was so afraid of being called fat, it became the first thing i think about when i meet new people

Thank goodness i was never obese or something. At 11th grade i started to throw up whenever i'm done eating. I became very weak and i barely had the joy and spirit for school. Long story short, at 12th grade i almost got over it. I started to watch what i'm eating, and i count the calories. I almost stop throwing up and instead i starve myself and i ate very little. I focus on gradiation which i have to look my best. I lost around 6-4kgs in around 3-4 months, well i've lost 2 kgs i dont know how but i just did so when i started watching what i ate i was around 54kgs. I  was obsessed with the scale so i weigh myself everyday, and to be honest watching the numbers went down by around 0.5 a week was satisfying. On the day of my graduation i was 50.9 kgs. I was proud, very proud infact but guess what? I still feel fat. I'm 165 in height and weighing 50.9 is almost, very ideal. But atleast for once in my life, i feel comfortable. 
Once i read about where, people always tell you to not lose anymore weight when you have lost so much, but they never tell you to lose weight when you need to loose some. And it was true, it's almost like people dont want you to appear better then them. 

I saw alot of scenarios where someone was eating/ posted a photo of food perhaps and then theres always someone who will comment or maybe, "warning" that they will get fat if they keep eating. You know what? It's not your problem, and never will. Commenting about someones body, i feel like is very inappropriate, somehow very ignorant, and almost disrespectful. 

Right now, i'm back to my, i guess normal weight. I weigh 56-57kgs and dont weigh myself as often as i used to be. To be honest i'm scared of the numbers and stepping on the scale, AND confess about things like this to people. But now i done it anyway. I eat what i want, whenever i want and well, i'm willing to lose some more again. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

One random post comin your way!

Hello, it's currently 9.30 PM, March 2015 
I am in my pajamas and i just decided to start blogging again (i know i said that all the time), just like that. 

I figured since i am always stuck with a phone in my hands and a wile lot of very random thoughts sometimes, i might as well just write and let it get out there instead of pilling junk notes on my phone!

So heres a note i've written recently about all the haters out there. 
Is it just me or people nowadays are beginning to be so full of themselves and once a person critisize them in a way that they don't necessarily like (i admit sometimes can be a little hurtful), it's like they assume that people are jealous of them. Me personally don't believe that hating is being jealous. 

I admit I have never encountered something like extreme bullying where i get judged everyday or even having a hater. 
Either i'm very lucky or completely ignorant. 

When i feel like somebody dislikes me, i like to think that it all just happens in my head and in most cases, the suspects don't even give a crap out of my life. 

In my oppinion, a lot of times people don't hate, we are the ones that often think that. Either by critiques or what nots, it's their way of stating their oppinions to you and you should be thankful that there are prople that atleast pay attention to you and your life. 

Obviously there are alot of comments where people are bashing others and just simply say the most innapropriate things. Well you know what? Forget about it, and mind your own bussiness. 

If you dont have nice things to say, you don't have to say a thing.